How Did I Get Here?

The Most Expensive Cup of Coffee of my Life (I hope)

I’ve been saying it for months, this is a year of plot twists for me. I had very clear intentions as I set out into 2024 and made some BIG leaps. In case this is anyone’s first time to the blog, I started a year-long apprenticeship in the jungle in Mastatal, Costa Rica in January, studying and working in Permaculture, Natural Building and Design, etc. I won’t get too into the details of that here, but if you’re curious, go ahead and look back at previous posts.

I haven’t shared in a bit and that is because my life has COMPLETELY been overturned in the last month. One moment I was pouring a cup of coffee after brunch, the next… it all came crashing down, ultimately resulting in my apprenticeship experience ending earlier than I intended. I’ve been back in the states for a few days now and I’m not sure exactly how long I’ll stay, where I’ll go next or what any of it looks like. I am taking some time to pause, sort through everything that has happened and see where I want to go from here.

All that being said, this post is being written without a draft or outline, so bear with me. It is coming to you unedited, exactly as it falls out of my brain. If you’re up for a messy, intermittently coherent, rambling retelling of the last month, topped off with innumerable typos and probably missing details, please keep reading.

So, how did I get here and what does coffee have to do with it?

I’m so glad you asked, let me explain…

It all started mid-day on the 7th of May. For context and the sake of irony, I want to make special note of the fact that me and my apprentice friends were in the middle of our Wilderness First Responder certification course when all of this began. We had finished our morning classes and had a delicious brunch (as is typical of daily life at Rancho Mastatal), then I walked over to the building next door to grab a cup of coffee and join the quick core team / apprentice meeting that happens every day after brunch in the Ceiba (the name of the meeting room). I was engaging in passing conversations as I reached my cup up to the industrial coffee pot, casually, not really paying attention, I flipped down the lever to fill my cup and was instantly jolted out of the conversation by an electric current connecting both of my hands to my metal cup and leaving me blank, staring through my friends as the pot continued pouring coffee onto the floor. Michi brought my attention back to the moment and pointed out the coffee was still running- I turned it off, shook it off (or so I thought) and then left my coffee on the table and went to sit down in the Ceiba for our meeting. While seated, I noticed my hands and forearms feeling very strange but figured that would go away before too long, it seemed normal given the circumstance. 10-15 minutes pass as our meeting agenda items are checked off and we are released back to our days with the anticipated sounding of chimes. I begin to rise up to leave and the next thing I know, I’m waking up on the Ceiba floor, looking up at various members of the core team and students from the medic program. Little did I know then, this was only the beginning.

After the passing out incident, I felt relatively ok. Or at least I convinced myself I did. The most noticeable symptom of the moment was crippling embarrassment. Pushing past that though, I went back to class. That same afternoon, we were scheduled for practicals down by the river. We made the hike down to the river, navigating more ants than I had ever seen at one time in my entire life, I somehow made it all the way down without a single bite, and when we reached the clearing, our trusty instructor Roman started explaining what we would be doing in our scenarios. During this explanation portion, I fully lost control of my bladder. I don’t think anyone noticed, or perhaps they were all too polite to say anything, but then we were all released for a swim before we began our scenarios, and I took the opportunity to dive in and wash off my shame and bodily fluids. I proceeded to move through the practicals like nothing happened and began to realize a lingering numbness and slowness in my hands, like I wasn’t in full control. When class was over, I went to speak with Roman (who is also an experienced medical first responder) about what I was experiencing. Roman and the Core Team got in contact with a doctor in the states and asked for an opinion about what was going on and he recommended I visit a doctor in Costa Rica and have some labs run and check on my heart and other organs. On the afternoon of May 8th, Robin and I hitched a ride with some tourists to Parrita (about an hour away) where I was able to have the labs run. (As a quick aside, I think this part of the story speaks incredibly highly of the social capital that Rancho Mastatal has built over the years. I was injured in the middle of the jungle and was able to have a proper medical consult within the same day and get seen in person and have the tests I needed run with results back the following day. Whereas, since being back in Texas, I have reached out to my primary care provider through the VA to follow up and have a full physical and have an appointment scheduled for July 2nd.) In total, this doctor visit ran me around $500 and I was making jokes on the way home about it being “the most expensive cup of coffee I’ve ever had, I’ll never complain about an $8 cup again” … I really had no idea what was to come.

Coming back from my doctor’s visit, I received pretty promising results. Some of the electronic results from my EKG were pretty concerning, but after a second opinion from the doctor I had been in contact with in the states, I was feeling somewhat reassured, though how I was feeling in my body was less convincing. That night, and for several meals to come, I was having trouble eating because of chest pain. Then the following day, I was back participating in my Wilderness First Responder training, business as usual, but was noticing a dramatic reduction in function in my hands. Taking notes felt extremely challenging. Eating brunch was shaky. My fine motor skills just weren’t there (very concerning for artist / architect types). After brunch, I started to notice my vision going blurry on one side, I was having trouble dialing in my focus. We updated the doctor on the developing symptoms and even he was a little stumped. Apparently, it is very rare for this kind of electrical shock to cause serious or lingering symptoms, but he was nearly sure they would resolve themselves in a couple of days.

…

Let’s skip forward to May 15. At this point, my hand function has greatly improved but vision was unchanged. The way my vision symptoms were presenting, about 25% of my field of vision was out of focus at all times making it hard to focus, read, perceive depth, etc. I was starting each day feeling okay, but by the end of the days I would have a screaming headache and was feeling very motion sick. I had made it through the WFR course despite all the complications and passed my final with 98% (because I’m a damn superhero, ok!), participated in our pig-day (that’s a story for another post) and returned to our usual apprentice schedule. Wednesday, the 15th, our work parties were set up in preparation for a pizza party. But that morning, things were different.  Rather than waking up ok and developing a headache and nausea as the day progressed, I woke up with the headache and nausea. I tried to push through, knowing the symptoms were due to my vision and not some kind of contagion, did my morning chores, took a little break to throw up over the railing of the hankey and then went to start the day. I went to my work party for about an hour before I decided I needed to go lie down. I went back to bed, and as soon as my head hit the pillow it was like a tidal wave of symptoms completely wiped me out. My temperature spiked, I was having severe body pains, back and chest, I couldn’t get comfortable, couldn’t regulate my temperature swings, my heart rate was racing no matter how long I laid still for. I was a whole mess. At one point, I tried to get up to pee and felt like I couldn’t keep my balance to make it there, so I just laid back down. In this environment, there is no sending a text to get ahold of someone, and I was feeling pretty desperate. I can’t totally explain what happened next, but I am going to do my best. Brunch time had just passed and none of the apprentices had been back to our house for any reason, so I knew it might be a while before anyone would be back. For whatever reason, I had the intuition to try to call out to Grant in my brain. In my messy, fever dream state, I was just repeating in my head “Grant, come check on me. Grant, come check on me. Please come check on me.” Within 10 minutes, I heard him from outside my room. “B, how are you doing?” He heard me. Or maybe it was complete coincidence. What the fuck do I know. Either way, he showed up, checked on me and went to talk to the team for me. Ultimately, we decided to head to San Jose and go to the hospital. Ali showed up to my room next, climbed into my bed with me to talk to me about what was going on, and proceeded to make her way around my room, packing a hospital / overnight bag for me and Grant went home to go get his car to come pick me up and drive me to San Jose (these guys really showed up for me in a dark moment).

San Jose is about a 3-hour drive from the ranch, it begins on incredibly rough mountain / jungle roads for about an hour, I was starting the trip already severely nauseous, and I am a person who routinely gets car sick. It was a perfect storm. Luckily, I had just about the best chauffeur I could have asked for. I was feeling like I was on the brink of death, but I spent nearly the whole drive (and hospital visit, and multi-day trip for that matter) laughing my face off and he was very accommodating when I needed vomit-breaks. When we finally made it to San Jose, the hospital visit itself began very promising. Things seemed to be moving along efficiently, my doctor seemed to be on top of things, I was on an IV rehydrating and having my pain managed, got some brain scans, etc.

I was feeling some relief and a general optimism that we were going to figure this out. But then the smooth experience hit a wall. After the MRI, we continued to wait for anyone to come check in with us for over 3 hours. (Again, I was lucky to have excellent company and we were having a pretty great time despite the circumstances. At one point I was lying with my bed at a 45-degree angle, and we were just laughing so hard. I think I was the only patient in the ER at that time of night and it must have sounded like we were just having a party in there). I guess there was some kind of shift change and I never saw my doctor again.  I ran out of meds in my IV about halfway through that time and symptoms started flooding back in. I had a neuro consult but the neuro guy was uninformed about my case in general. He basically checked my MRI, assured me there was no brain injury (objectively good news) and said I’m fine- I can go. Meanwhile, my fever is back, my pain is back, and I still can’t see clearly. He was sure there was just some kind of electrical disruption, and it needs time to reset, and things will resolve in time. I could go wait in the waiting room until my bill was ready.

We had been at the hospital around 7 hours at this point, it’s after 9pm, and I want nothing more than to get the hell out of there. I try to check out, but my bill isn’t ready. 20-30 minutes later, still no bill. I’m really starting to lose my cool. I’m laughing in anger now as opposed to the frivolous fun of earlier. I can’t understand how my bill could possibly not be ready after I’ve been waiting in a hospital bed for more than 3 hours without any new developments. Grant is reading my energy from across the room and feels the switch flip between frustration and “we need to go, NOW”. I don’t have to say anything. He walks up to the desk agent and handles it. A few minutes later, I am handing over my credit card and paying a few thousand more dollars for no diagnosis, no prescription, no answers, just “It should be fine eventually, be patient.” Sweet. Grant noticed some items on the bill that definitely never happened while I was there, but I was so past my limit for the day that I just paid the bill and saw myself out. We found a late-night dinner (at a P.F.Changs of all places) and made our way to an Airbnb that G had booked while I was being seen.

 

I was 50% rage and 50% gratitude (in part to Grant for making my life so much easier throughout that experience, and in part to my first hot shower in 6 months that I got to take in that Airbnb). I had a giant, luxurious bed to myself and slept like the boujiest starfish you can imagine. I woke up feeling marginally better and we walked to a local coffee shop to grab breakfast before starting the journey back to the ranch. Breakfast was perfect. For those who don’t know, I have a deep love for cozy coffee shops and this one really hit the spot. It even had a cool geodesic dome structure built on the property and other unique architectural features interwoven with lots of plants and filtered sunshine.. Ok, I digress,. After breakfast, we walk back to the Airbnb to pack up. We’re just about ready to go and I get another wave of feeling real shitty. Mostly abdominal / chest pain. Grant does a quick chiro-session with me to see what he can do to help before we get on the road (perks of traveling with a health pro) and we head out. But wait! The misadventures are not over yet. We’re about to take off and G discovers a problem with the vehicle. I am not going to sit here and pretend I know absolutely anything about cars, but something was wrong. While he was looking at it, a neighbor of our Airbnb asked if we needed a mechanic. In some kind of automatic politeness, we declined with pleasantries and she left as we realized we absolutely needed that mechanic. We proceed to find a mechanic (and a pharmacy for some pain and nausea medication). The mechanic we found was less than helpful, and we ended up just starting the drive back and planning to go see the mechanic that the team is familiar with closer to the ranch and keep an eye on things along the way. We made a stop in Jaco for dinner and to check in on how things were witting with the car. He wanted to give the car some time to cool off before driving any further, so we took our time, walked over to the beach and just took a moment with the ocean, processing everything that was going on for each of us. Me and my physical, mental and financial health, him and the big life moves he was preparing for and his car stress. The ocean has always been incredibly healing and clarifying for me and this stop on the beach in particular was the first time I had really been able to put my bare feet on the earth and regulate my nervous system in months (if you don’t remember, this is a call back to the ant allergy I was experiencing at the Ranch that required me to be constantly wearing socks and shoes). I felt instantly more at ease, more clear, more in my body. I felt like I could listen to my intuition with a renewed clarity, and this was the first moment I knew I needed to leave the apprenticeship and focus on my health.

We wandered back to the car and once we washed the sand off our feet and got in, I blurted out to Grant what I was feeling. I didn’t want to rush into things or make a rash decision, so I decided to sit with it for a while. Luckily, we were scheduled to start our beach vacation with the whole team the following day and I would have an entire week to convene with the ocean. So, we started the drive back to the ranch (again) and about an hour away from home, as if by design, the rain just started POURING. In Costa Rica, one might have called it “baldazo” (literally, big bucket). It was getting dark, we couldn’t see the road, and we were approaching where the roads were about to get really bad as we started up the hill to the Ranch. G decided to pull over at a gas station and just take a minute. The car seemed to be doing ok but the rain wasn’t slowing down and we did not feel confident in being able to make it back to the ranch in the current conditions, so we did a quick search to see if we could find somewhere to stay for the night close by and make the final leg of the trip in the morning.

By some stroke of luck, there was a lovely woman just minutes away from where we were at renting out a room on Airbnb with availability and super quick response times, and we jump on it. Before leaving the station to head over to our home for the night, Grant had the brilliant idea to run inside and grab us a couple of beers to take back with us. Afterall, we had had a gnarly couple of days and it felt only appropriate. He gets back to the car and follows the map to our destination, we get out and look for the entrance, rain still pouring down, only to discover the map led us to the wrong spot. We’re a couple miles from out room. We’re oscillating between laughter and defeat, scoop our exhausted and soaking wet bodies back into the car, and make one last move for the evening. By the time we arrive, we are a puddle of the people that started this adventure, but we’re in it together and still laughing. our host (and her fluffy assistant, peanut) greets us and shows us our room, the bathroom and shower we can use, offers us her leftover dinner and gives us full permission to make ourselves at home. She was incredibly welcoming and accommodating AND she just happened to be from about 30 minutes away from where I was living in the states before moving to CR – Small World, right? As sweet as all the offers were, we took her up on none of them, took turns having a shower and cracked open our beer, processed and laughed a little more about everything that had happened, and went straight to bed.

Morning came and we got an early start as we had a busy agenda for the day. We would be leaving the ranch for the beach trip in a few hours and Grant had some clients to see for his chiropractic practice before we would take off. There was a cute note on our door from our host, acting as the cherry on top of such a lovely experience staying with her and letting us know she was out and to help ourselves to coffee or anything else we see around the house. I made us some coffee while G was taking a look at the car and getting packed up. We sat for a few minutes with our coffee, taking a moment of calm before getting back on the road, and then took the coffee to go, ironically, in the same to go mug that started this whole adventure.

We made it back to the ranch around 8-8:30 and planned to go take care of our own things, pack up, and meet back at 11 to take off to the beach. Perfect timing! I fielded all sorts of questions about how it went and how I was and if I’m ok. None of these questions I felt like I had proper answers to at the time. I did my best to keep it brief and say what I knew without getting into it too deeply.

Our friends had saved us all kinds of delicious leftovers from the two days we had missed which made for an outstanding welcome back brunch. I heated up leftover pizza from the party and topped it with fried eggs and some hash and pesto from the table. It was joy in brunch-form. Anyway, once everything was sorted, we loaded back into the car once again, and made our way to the beach. I feel like there may be a separate blog post later about going into more depth about the beach trip adventure. It was an absolutely magical time for me in so many ways, but we’re already nearing the 4,000 word mark and even I’m getting tired of listening to me. In short, the drive to the beach, the stops along the way, and arriving to the house where I would be spending the week with the apprentices, it all felt like coming home. I don’t think I wore shoes once that week. I walked down the beach every day to take a yoga class and stay after for a coffee. I connected with my practice deeper than I ever have before. I slowed way down. I listened to my body. I cooked nourishing meals for me and my friends. I experienced truly deep connections with myself, with the ocean and with people close to me. As the week went on, it became more and more clear that this is the kind of energy I needed to be in if I was going to heal well. I needed to relax my nervous system, to focus on my health and just feel really connected. After the most beautiful week I could have asked for, it was time to make the final journey back to the ranch (for now).

Grant and I had one last road trip together, taking a little detour on the way back to meet up with Roman and Justine (the first responder teacher I was learning from when all of this started and his amazing wife). It felt like the last few weeks were coming full circle. They asked me about how I was doing and the developments after what had happened, and I had the opportunity to practice telling people that I would be leaving the program. Hanging out with them outside of the ranch / educational environment felt so natural and comfortable. They are a couple I am truly inspired by. I’ll save the rest of that tangent for another time as well, but it has to be said, they are just incredible. We made it back to the ranch in time for dinner and had a small, intimate dinner with almost the whole ranch family around the table. We got to exchange stories with the core team from our mostly separate but overlapping vacations and hear about the wonderful times had by all.

The next morning, Friday the 24th, it was time for our first weekly check in as a team since all the recent developments had occurred. A moment I had been anxiously awaiting for several days was almost upon us; the moment I would tell the team I am going to be leaving. We were all sitting in a circle around the Ceiba, and a long silenced started our meeting, waiting to see who would be the first to share. I was filled with gratitude when Julia, sitting immediately to my left, started us off. That meant, I would be the last to share, which gave me a lot of time to calm my nerves and ground myself. The time flew by and before I knew it, I was up. In a self-centered haze I probably heard about 50% of what everyone had shared. I had given a lot of thought to the message I wanted to express and the energy I wanted to be coming from. It was a vulnerable share. I spoke about my gratitude for my experience and everything I had learned, my love for the community, my current struggles, my fear, and ultimately my decision to leave. I acknowledged the impact I would be having on the team and all the major considerations I had weighed. Tears were shed, hands were held, and my announcement was met with a moment of silence. When the silence was broken, I was grateful and relieved to hear responses that were very much in support of my decision and coming from a very loving place. At the end of the day, everyone was very understanding and met me with a lot of compassion.

Over the next few days, I packed up my belongings, cleaned up my space. and spent a lot of time close with the people I love. Yalan and I found time to drop in and talk about everything we’d experienced together since meeting in the Timber Frame course in early January. Things between us came full circle when he did a tarot reading for me about what’s to come (this was one of the first things we did together when we were sharing the bunkroom during our work trade). Yalan, Julia and I hung out on the couch for a while drinking tea, eating cookies and talking about anything and everything. Grant and I spent countless hours in dreamy conversations about what may be next for each of us as we we’re both preparing for big changes. Allura, Rabbit and I had a movie-morning and watched the Last Song together. Felipe was taking his PDC while I was transitioning out, so we didn’t get to spend as much time together as I would have loved, but we shared many hugs, some tears, and promises to meet again. For my very last dinner, Robin and Julia prepared the CHEESIEST casserole I ever did see. The apps came together and set up a sneaky and wonderful dinner in the library (to this day, my favorite place on the property). We all sat together for one last meal and then Julia brought out a surprise, double layer, filled, gluten free chocolate cake, a beautiful painting and letter full of well wishes and encouragement. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, and grieved then ending of one chapter while quietly celebrating and inviting what’s to come.

Monday morning came too quickly, and Grant made what has become my favorite breakfast before I finalized my packing and got ready for Fernando to pick me up. I left a love letter to my Hankey Family, and I dragged my bags up the road to the main house, getting in a pretty solid workout to start the day, and sat on the Porch with G in our favorite spot, having our coffees, chatting and being available for the stream of goodbye hugs that were passing through.  And when it struck 8 am, I said one final “goodbye” that felt much more like a “see you later” and loaded into the car with Fernando.

This feels like where the post is supposed to end, but not quite. (Thanks for hanging in there with me). We had a pretty smooth ride to the airport. Fernando stopped at his house on the way to let me use the toilet (now THAT is good customer service) and then stopped again and bought us both a coffee and pastry. We made small talk in my Spanish that has improved considerably since I had last seen him, and arrived at the airport with plenty of extra time to make my flight and helped me get my bags inside. The whole morning went off without a hitch, I even had an ice cream in the extra time I had at the airport, and I was on the plane, ready to take off by 1pm. It was a smooth flight, I had snacks that a friend from the WFR course had left me, quiet people sitting near me on the plane, all around easy day. I had a hotel room booked for when I landed so I could take a couple days to decompress and start to figure out my next steps. I was planning on making it there by 8 pm, getting a good night’s sleep, starting back in my daily practices and getting grounded in the morning. But, introducing plot twist #376,.. We were less than 30 minutes from touching down in DFW airport when our landing got delayed. Then after it got delayed, it got diverted to Houston- but just long enough to refuel and come back. Then our flight crew timed-out and we needed a new plane and crew. I got in contact with my hotel to make sure I’d be able to check in at whatever middle of the night crazy time I was going to be there by. Then we all went through customs, back through security and rechecked our bags, I impulse bought and ate my body weight in airport snacks and eventually got on a new plane and waited some more. Then, it was 1:30 am and the new crew never boarded our plane. We all received a notification on our phones that our flight was cancelled, and we could claim a free hotel room and meal credit. From the moment I received this message, I had 4 hours to go take a shuttle to the hotel, shower, sleep, get up and be back at the airport to make the new flight time the next morning. I can still feel the heaviness in my legs as I write about it. But I took the room, had a shower and a nap, made a hotel coffee, did the damn thing.. Caught a 5 am shuttle to the airport, used my “meal” credit to buy 2/3 of an airport coffee and egg-bites and awaited the cancellation of my new flight. Mmhm. Sat around for a few hours in zombie-mode wearing the previous day’s clothes and just wondering if I was ever actually going back to Dallas. By the time, I fully believed Dallas did not want me back.

Skipping ahead, I finally made it to my hotel around 2-3pm on Tuesday, checked in, paid for an extra night on my room since I missed my first night and bought some shitty hotel snacks to round out the second day of eating no real food. I took a good long nap and reveled in the silence of finally being alone with my thoughts. I ultimately came to the conclusion that I would stay put in Texas for a couple months, get a yoga membership and just be still and let things settle before making big decisions about what to do next.

Since being back, I had another weird-health freak out like the morning I went to San Jose. It basically looked like a temperature spike and collapsing in the driveway in a lightning storm and just lying there and vomiting for a while until I could manage to get up and then continuing to be freezing despite the Dallas heat. The duration of the episode was much shorter than the first time, which I took as a positive sign. I then proceeded to be sick in a seemingly unrelated way for a few days. Just intense allergy / sinus symptoms that, in combination with everything else, had me feeling pretty wiped out. I was feeling pretty panicked to be honest. Like, “How am I supposed to be doing yoga and focusing on my health when I can barely get out of bed?”. “This isn’t going to work.”  “I need to figure something else out.” All the things. After a few days, the symptoms started to subside, and I calmed down. I found and started taking classes at a lovely yoga studio nearby and joined an online health-course to give myself some accountability while I was working through everything.

As of today, I have attended 6 mornings in a row of 9:30 am yoga, cooked and ate delicious meals that are feeling really good in my body, connected with some friends, and loosely and playfully started exploring some ideas about what might be next for me. The main symptom that is lingering is the blurry vision on one side, but I’m feeling optimistic about it and have a follow-up scheduled with my doctor in a few weeks to just check over everything after I’ve had some time to “reset”. I also saw a dermatologist about the ringworm I also had the pleasure of picking up recently (a story for another time, jungle life, ya know?). I only bring that up now because its relevant to my ideas about what I do next. So, in no particular order, here are some of the things I am thinking about –

• Buy land in Michigan and start a homestead and Permaculture / Community project (finish my Master’s online)
• Buy land / rent a place and move to the beach in Costa Rica and continue working on my Spanish (Finish my Master’s online)
• Move to Phoenix, AZ, Bozeman, MT or Pullman, WA and finish my Master’s in person
• Find a job in Natural Building to work while I finish school
• Find a job working with horses while I finish school
• Focus on growing my mural business and working art gigs while I finish school
• Find an EMT program and do that before going back to my architecture program
• Just straight up moving to the beach and learning Spanish and to surf and figuring it out from there
• Focusing on physical training / dancing / fighting + language learning until I start back up in school
• Start travel-teaching yoga again?
• Idk, feel free to pitch ideas, I’m just making this up as I go

Now, the dermatologist thing, why that’s relevant to this discussion – After the doctor confirmed and treated the ringworm diagnosis, we were talking about a skin thing I get on my face. I have had a dry, red area on my face around my mouth and nose that has come and gone since I was young. I’ve always thought that was just an unlucky part of me, never really dug into it. As it turns out, it’s an environmental reaction, likely related to the same things that caused the sinus reaction when I first got back to Texas. I hadn’t thought about it before moving away and coming back, but before I left Texas last year, I was getting sick like that on a pretty regular basis and my skin was frequently like this. And since moving to Costa Rica, I haven’t had a single sinus or skin related symptom. Coincidence? She thinks not. So, my doctor (and new favorite person) basically wrote me a prescription to fuck off and move to the beach forever… Doctor’s Orders…

And that’s where I think I am going to leave this story for today. In summary, on May 7th, I poured a cup of coffee and I now have an entirely different life than I planned. It’s been a big, beautiful, disaster of a month that cost me physically, mentally, emotionally, educationally, financially, etc… and when I look back on it all, I have had some of the best times I’ve ever had. I’ve forged deeper bonds, loved harder, let out louder laughs, and smiled more than I maybe ever have. I’ve remembered just how capable I am of living in full joy, even in hard times. I’ve been reminded of just how simple it is for me to be happy. I overcomplicate it sometimes, but I really NEED so little.

So, I don’t know what is next. I feel like I’ll end up back in Costa Rica in some form or fashion; I don’t feel like my time there is complete. And any or all or some combination of the things on my brainstorm may find their way into my path, or maybe something completely out of left field, I just don’t know, and I am letting go of control for a minute and trying to be okay with that. For now, I am just making sure to get my ass into a yoga class every day. I trust future me to figure the rest out as the timing is right.

I’m not sure whether or not I’ll continue with this blog now that this chapter has come to an end. I feel there are plenty of stories and insights and lessons learned during my stay that I haven’t gotten around to writing about yet, and probably more to come as I navigate moving forward. I guess, let me know what you think about that! If you’ve made it this far in the post – do you want follow ups? To be continued?

…

To wrap things up with a nice bow, I owe SO many “thank you”s.~

To the Apprentices: Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for becoming my family over the last 6 months. Until we meet again ~

To the Core Team: Thank you for the educational experience, both in what was promised in the curriculum as well as the unexpected life, social and community lessons learned throughout my stay. Thank you for the support in getting help and getting healthy. Thank you for the open invitation back. You have a loyal supporter in me. Until we work together again~

To my friends around Mastatal (Ben & Yuli, Kealy, and more): Thank you for welcoming me and making me feel at home. Thank you for showing me what it means to really be a part of a community. So much love for you. Until I return ~

To Fernando: Thank you for making my last day in country so lovely and giving me one last taste (for now) of the beautiful Costa Rican culture. 

To Grant: “Thank you” will never be enough.